It is nobody’s fault. For one said you are the product of the decisions and the choices you have made, of which is true. I am where I am today because of me. What me has done together with what I didn’t do got me here today. I don’t can’t tell how it all started. All I know is, in my early teens or rather immediately when I was thirteen, I became a loner. I had girlfriends to hang out with during lunchtime at school and walk home with after school, but every time I got home and digested what I have been up to the whole day, there is one thing that always popped up, I was lonely. Well that loneliness brought some good things such as writing before depression came in and snatched most of my creativity away. While people would talk in class during high school, I would sit and write whatever came to mind. It helped me go through high school this writing but when I was about to complete, there was an awesome amount of depression. Yet funny enough, I never asked for help, instead I learnt to live with the daily migraines and grief. I took it with me to university where I am doing my final year now. It has been tough, painful and unbearable to face tomorrow but still I kept depression with me. I try everyday to find out what is its cause and unfortunately, I fail. What I know is, I am burning with the zeal to achieve my dreams, but I hide in my room after every class and everyday I feel as if I am getting disconnected with the world. Now since I hide in my room be it at home or here at school, this means I don’t know how to live. Even though some of you in your blogs you write short stories and poetry, but you sound like vibrant and lively people who live to the fullest. And here is me, a talking too much, good socialist in some conditions and that girl who laugh too much in the midst of everyone, but when I get inside my room, it is sad, dark and unbearable to be. I don’t know how to live life fully. I see a life in my mind, I life I mourn at times because I fear it may be a baby that was never born. What is to live? What is to have fun? You will see me smiling, you will see me laughing, you will see me talking too much, and you will see me interacting with other people but yet everyday, I know I will have constant migraines. I don’t know whether there is damage caused inside my brain by these migraines because I am not even a good friend of a hospital. I would even eat two of the sweetest chocolate, to release some dopamine or whatever hormone that is, so as to survive the pain if it got too overwhelming. A big dreamer I am in the midst of all this negativity, yet I fear that none of those dreams may come true. I am suffocating, yet I face the day with a smile. I have friends even now but at the end of the day I am alone. Is it me? Am I the cause of my own pain and how? If so how do I get myself out? I find no answer to these questions. I am that kind of a person people ask me advice and funny enough I try to speak the positive I do not know yet it help others. I want to say to you, enjoy that joy you have, others are struggling to can even smile. At least you and I we can smile and laugh but others their problems are too big they can’t even see a single thing to appreciate. I sure as appreciate this one thing, sleep. Yeah, when I sleep everything stops, including the migraines and so it is a huge blessings. Sometimes I struggle to sleep, sometimes I don’t. So they say enjoy while you still can and I want to add by saying don’t alienate yourself. Friends and family can hurt you but they are part of life. stay strong and stay living. I still can’t define what is causing me stress, maybe you can so enjoy and embrace everyone in your life. I still don’t know how to really communicate with others about whatever bothers me, don’t do that, it is poison. It will cause you your joy and you will miss out on a lot of fun. I still wonder what that is, maybe I will find out one day.
Never leave a single moment wasted.
From me to you,
Stay loving, stay loved. Stay blessing, stay blessed.