Even in the midst of my confusion and wondering…

Hey I am twenty years old. I don’t know how long I have lived without you, you left when I was too young to remember, so I don’t know. I have seen them getting angry, some so furious when they get a chance to finally meet you and I ask myself why, nothing can ever be reversed. Screaming at you will not turn back the time, everything has happened while you have been gone. I won’t lie that I don’t wonder why you had to leave. If you fought with my mom, it is not my business why did you leave me too? But if you didn’t want us both, I am still not angry. This is life, everyone has their flaws. I have seen many misbehaving, giving their mothers grief, while they are supposed to ease the pain by being good kids. And when they are asked why they behave that way, they say their dads left them. I have seen many suffering, mommy trying to make ends meet but the poverty so severe, it couldn’t be quenched. As for me, you left me. I have been angry for a while when trying to digest why you left. I know a bit about you. Yes I do. Your inlaws are living in the same community as me. I know you live and love the woman you are currently living with and your kids. I know you are responsible father to them, funny enough, I am grateful you did leave them as well. I know you still know some of my family members very well. I know you have a sister who wants to get to know me. That’s all I know. I don’t know how you look like. I don’t know why you left. I don’t know why you don’t come to see me since you know where I stay. I don’t know whether you are okay. I don’t know whether a day goes by with you thinking about me or not. I am simply grateful you look after the children you have and the woman you have. I have always lived my own strange life. One of the rules I gave myself is to not question my mother about things she, herself does not talk about. Yes I have never asked her anything, I am probably not planning to. She raised me all on her own and she did her best. She is a very strong woman and I admire that about her. I think about you only when I am wondering about my traits. Yeah days and even months go by without me thinking about you. You only cross my mind when I wonder which part of you I took or when I see a beautiful family of a mom, dad and kids catch my attention. Another thing that hadn’t been nice was that all my neighbours consist of two parents, working together to raise their kids. One is no more since the father left as well but I am not celebrating that ooh we are the same. No! That would be witchcraft. But at the of the day, I am still not angry. Many of my friends say I am weird, but what would hating you do for me. You are a family man, a responsible father, yet you left me. You are not a continuous run away groom where I can say oh, that’s how he function. So why get angry at the fact you prefer them that you have now and not me? I have a lot of questions, but I am used to not getting answers to a lot of things and so I am still not angry. Many kids are orphans out there, they will never get to meet their fathers and mothers if even they searched for them, themselves. My mom is alive and well. Should I not appreciate? I am just grateful you are alive and taking care of your woman and kids. Even in the midst of my confusion and wondering, I am not angry.

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pic cred: Google

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